Lets talk about my anger
I'm angry.
I'm angry when people ask me what is new. I want to yell and them and say what the frick do you think is new? I go to work and I go to the hospital.
I'm angry when people ask me how its going. They really don't want to know. They only want to hear that things are fine. So, that's what I say. When really I just want to tell them to fuck off.
I'm angry when people ask me stupid questions.
I'm angry when I look at that picture of Uncle Marvin helping renovate. I look at it and wonder if my Dad will ever do anything close to that again. No offence, I'm not angry at you...I'm just mad and jealous.
I'm angry at other cancer patients on the ward who just have cancer and not all this other crap. They just have to focus on cancer and not on broken backs, and pain, and hips, and blood, and kidneys and back surgery. I think their cancer looks like a cake walk and I'm jealous. I'm that's probably not the case and I try and tell myself that. But, it doesn't help. I'm still pissed.
I want to scream and people who come up and complain to me about their stupid insignificant shit that I don't give a frick about and wish they would just go away.
I'm angry when I see two girls running and laughing at the river together. And I miss that, but when I try and do stuff like that I feel guilty for having any fun. And I glare at those girls feeling free and running together and I hate them.
I'm angry when people tell me it will be ok. It's not ok.
I'm angry when I open my fridge and all I have to eat is pickles because I have no energy to make anything nor do I care to.
I'm angry when I cleaned out my purse and I added up all my parking stubs and I would have been able to buy two months of passes but I don't because I keep hoping that for once maybe we will catch a break and Dad could go home where he would be happy. But there's no breaks, there's just one piece of shit thing after another.
I'm angry that my Dad doesn't have a room with a nice window and he can't get any sunlight.
I'm angry that I can't seem to pull it together enough to tell myself to suck it up because this is going to be the way it is for a long time. I'm angry when I don't understand why.
I'm angry and I can't help myself anymore. So the next time you (you...as in anyone out there in the void) might see me and I'm a bitch understand that I'm jealous and I want to punch you in the face but it's nothing personal.
I wish I could go buy a box of dishes and throw each one down onto cement over and over until I can't lift my arms anymore.
17 comments:
If you want to talk, just feel free to call. We all understand that you're angry at the world because of this shit that's happening. You're living a perfectly normal life, and then it all gets turned upside down in the blink of en eye, and nothing is right, and it seems like nothing will be right again. I'm not gonna tell you that "it's alright", cuz its not right now, and it probably won't be for a while. Just know that I love ya, even when you're angry or hurt or confused at everything and anything. I'll buy a box of plates this week and I'll bring them to you so you can throw them. :) It's hard to think everything's gonna be alright, even though you've got people praying for you and you've got God on your side. Sometimes you still wonder "where is God?" or "Why did God let this happen?" Can't tell you those answers. I guess that's where FAITH comes in. I'm here for you.
My heart is hurting for you. I just want you all to be little kids and for your Dad to not be sick and for life to be "simple" again. I love you, Ang.
me too Ang. I've done it before, the plates thing. I was unloading a bunch from the dishwasher at work once and they slipped one by one and the more I tried to grab, the more they fell (strange life lesson in there, I think...) I was left with about 12-15 broken dinner plates everywhere and one in my hands. I hurled it at the tile with everything I had in me. It felt fantastic.
If a box of plates arrives at your door, it's from me. I love you. It's not okay, it's not enough, but I'm praying.
I am like you, and usually slamming something, or punching it helps when I am angry.
If you are going to smash plates, I say grab some from your landlady.
you can come use my punching bag if you want ang
Anyone who knows you would know that it's not fine. If they're satistfied when you say that, I think that they deserve to be told to fuck off. It's not okay, and it hurts, but we're all hoping and praying that things will get better. I have some crappy dishes that you can smash. Maybe I'll smash one on my cement today for you. If I do, I'll take a picture.
carrie, that would make my day if you did that. lol. thanks.
Carrie, I'm telling. I told on Ang and I'm telling on you.
Oh wait.... crap. My camera is dead. Okay... I'll charge the batteries, and THEN I'll smash a dish for you.
Carrie, Becky says I should ground you. I think to teach you a lesson, I will have to ground you on Aug 18th.
Hey. I did it. Check my blog, dude.
I'm grounded? Awwww, shit. I mean... crap. I mean... uh.... SHIT!!
Way to go Carrie. Now Becky is gonna tell on you again.
Shhhh!! If you don't tell her, maybe she won't notice! If you don't tell on me to her, she can't tell on me to you.
hey ange, i can't say i know how you feel, and telling you that i'm praying for you probably doesn't help a whole lot right now. i know how it feels to feel like you've done everything you can do, and the whole world just keeps falling to peices around you... that sucks. and it's hard to find hope in that. i do know how that feels... and i work at a plumbing supplier, so i have about 6 sinks that need to be thrown in the dumpster. it's so freeing. i really love throwing toilets in the dumpster. but for now, sinks will do. if you want to come by and break them, feel free :D love you heaps...
Ang, I know there is more in you than just anger. I have seen it displayed in you throughout your life. And when you come to see me, and give me a big hug, I can feel the love in you that I know you can't hide. I know it's there Arnie, so can I have a new post.
Love, dad.
p.s.
I am not always cheerful through this ordeal either. Somedays I get very weepy and sad, other days I get like you get sometimes and am very angry and would love to break something. But most days I remember that I am here to glorify my saviour and my God. And it is hard to do that when I have an attitude of "why me" or "WHY ME" Maybe what you need to do is come by some hot afternoon, lay in the sun and get brown, while I sit on the deck in the shade and we'll watch the dandelions grow and chat. So post me something of the real Ang. Are p.s. allowed to be longer than the original comment?
ok fine. i will. i have a plan. it will be grand. you wait.
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