Friday, March 9

Pick Me, Choose me, Love me

***Edit - I re-loaded all my photo's finally. Enjoy.***

Some may know, and some may not. My cousin Carrie is getting married this summer. I've been trying to convince her to let me be a bridesmaid, but I don't think she has the vision I do. And what a vision...




Not only would I look fantastic for her, I would be everything a bridesmaid should be:

Supportive, when she starts freaking out over small details that don't matter. I would grab her and shake her and tell her "Snap out of it, who cares if the bra you ordered doesn't fit. Go au natural, just the way God made you or just borrow Chloe's, she won't mind."




Calm, when things get crazy. Like perhaps the ring bearer pukes all over his little white pillow. I would wipe that puke off with my own sleeve and flip that pillow over before she would even notice. This "calm" would be greatly aided by the mickey of Malibu Mango I would have stuffed under that fluffy dress. Really, people what is all that fluff good for, besides hiding booze, guns and condoms?




Crafty, when she needs decoration advice. Say, she just can't manage to get that flower arrangement to look right. Or, she needs new center pieces for her tables because the ones her old bridesmaid made fell apart. Perhaps she totally forgot to make "give aways". Now, in a situation like this one would require to first stay calm:



Brainstorm:



Then, put a plan into action:




Who doesn't need a key chain? Brilliant.



Hospitable, when guests don't feel comfortable. You and I know that table. That table of people at receptions that you don't know what to do with, so you cram them all together. They all sit and stare at their food awkwardly. They are the last ones to go up to the buffet line. There's never any gravy left. That can be an uncomfortable feeling. I would embrace these so called "left over friends" that no one else wants to sit with. I would dance with them. Tell funny jokes to break the ice. Then, once they were all visiting I would proudly and gracefully walk back to the head table where I belong. What? Did you expect me to actually sit with them? Seriously, I'm a bridesmaid.

The life of the party, when things start to get dull. Say, no one is dancing. One thing about me is my lack of shame. I have no problem heading out to the middle of the dance floor and showing people how it's done. It might not be as good as Elaine and the Seinfeld crew, but I've got a few moves that I'm sure would get the party pumpin'.



And just because I can't help myself:



Organized, when things get hectic. I'm the one who will write out a detailed list of who bought you what. I'm the one that will lovingly write out all your thank-you cards while you are away enjoying honeymoon bliss. I will write little notes for each individual like:

Thanks for the dull vegetable knife. I've managed to cut myself 3 times with it. It will come in handy when I stab you in the back the next time I see you. Thanks. A. Lot.

Or:

Thanks for the massage kit. Although, I got some oil in my eye (don't ask how) we enjoyed it thoroughly and I do mean thoroughly.

Punctual, when you are running late. Need to get somewhere on time? I'm your gal. I show up for work 15 min early every day. Not because I love it, but because that's just the way I am. You need to leave and get to pictures? I will cut that receiving line short, and get you on your way. Each guest will be given a 5 second slot to say their congrats and then its out the door. "Sorry Grandma, times up. It's time for the happy couple to haul ass over to their photo shoot." You need that Uncle that never shuts up to wind up that long boring speech? You know the ones I'm talking about. The one's that make people give side glances to the person sitting next to them. They roll their eyes at each other and nod in agreement. I'm your gal. I'm blunt and to the point. I can have an automatic music intro incorporated so when things get too long, cue the music maestro. Just like the at the Grammy's. And, if that doesn't work I can pull out my gun from under my fluff. "Wind it up old man".



Self sacrificing, when she needs defending. Say, someone gets a little "drunk" and they stumble up to Carrie with their red wine. Say, said drunk person tries to "chink" glasses with Carrie to congratulate her on her new marriage. Say, Donna misses her glass and spills all over Carries wedding dress. This catastrophe could be diverted if I were there. Seen here:



(note: this took me a while to time myself flying through the air. My shoulder hurts now because on one occasion I bounced pretty hard off the bed. This is the self sacrifice I'm talking about. I had this big idea of pasting myself onto a picture of Carrie but Becky wasn't home and I can't seem to figure it out. So, close your eyes and imagine Carrie standing innocently behind me. Thanks.)






Safe, when things get dangerous. Say, above mentioned drunk person decides she's gonna take a liking to the poor geek at the reject table? Because I know all and see all, I would catch those two running off for a romp in the coat room. Yeah, you know that room. The room where every drunk person at weddings goes to make out in. I run over, grab a condom out of my fluff and casually throw it on the floor just in case. That's what I do. Saving the world, one shot gun wedding at a time.

Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Carrie, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you.
So pick me, choose me, love me.





UPDATE: (From Becky)
I'm here now and more than ready to do my part. Well, I'm ready to do some cutting and pasting in photoshop and really, it's all I'm good for. I think this was what you were looking for Ang? Too bad you weren't wearing your dress, although you wouldn't want to risk it getting torn or something... Cause I'm pretty sure after this you'll be needing it.Also, all you family members and random strangers: Make sure you cast your vote over on the side for what you think Carrie should do. (You only get to vote once, so search your heart before you do.)

<-------- Over that way. After all, this wedding isn't about Carrie or Kyle. It's about us and what we, the public, want to see. (I should add some polls to my blog... This is fun!)


UPDATED UPDATE: (From Becky again.)
Actually, it's more up and then:
<-------- That way.
Mazal Tof!

26 comments:

Becky said...

She was my bridesmaid. You can call me if you want for a reference. She did a kick a#$ shower for me. She got me a dress to wear and everything. It ROCKED. And she was calm. (And you couldn't even tell it was because she was sloshed out of her tree.)

Rach said...

After quoting Meredith's McDreamy speech,I have no idea how she would not pick you. Hell, if you came to me with those arguments, there is no way I would say no :)

Hope life is treating you well. We'll get together in the summer when I am back home.

Melissa said...

Is it just me...or can anyone else NOT see the pictures. I'm so disappointed .

Becky said...

You should be. They are hysterically funny.

Sue said...

Ang this is too funny. If Me and Uncle Marv ever get married again you can definitly be my brides maid. You rock!!!

footsack said...

Ang I would pick you in a heartbeat. You just can't argue against that kind of a sales job. Why aren't you president or something?
Those pictures are LMAO funny!!

Avaelyn said...

Ho... ly... crap. I'm speechless right now. I'll think of something to say after I stop laughing.

Toad said...

Yessssssss, Becky that was exactly what I wanted! I think I called you about 7 times last night. lol. You should have heard the line of trucker trash that was spewing out of my mouth.

I'm a frickin hero!!!

Dear Carrie,

You don't have to say anything but "yes".

Carol said...

Melissa, I can see the pictures fine.

Ang, you kill me. That was an amazing post. Maybe if you pay Carrie off, she may reconsider.

melanie said...

Best post to date. I don't know if you can even keep blogging, nothing could be funnier than this.
Hope to see you at Carrie's wedding, in that pink dress or whatever the non bridemaids wear.

Carol said...

I have some proof on my blog, that Carrie and Ang look cute in the same attire.

Anonymous said...

holy moses. funniest thing i have read. if i were carrie i would choose you.
robyn

Trav said...

trav's vote is a big yes... definately... heck... if i had known you were that committed... you could have been my best man... so... big yes from trav

Sue said...

No pressure Carrie but she does look smashed in that pink dress.

Did I say smashed?

I meant SMASHING!

Pick her... Pick her!

Sue said...

Carrie , If you don't say yes to Ang, at least make sure you throw your bouquet to her. I guess she'll probably catch it no matter what , with all the practicing she has been doing with that sideways jump.

Shirley said...

This post was brilliant on so many levels...the pictures, the Seinfeld, the Grey's reference, Ang being Ang.

Absolutely brilliant. If Harv and I ever renew our vows you are SO THERE Ang.

Carol said...

Ok, for some reason now the pictures are gone. Sheeeeesh, blogger bites the big one occasionally.

Margaret said...

Ang, I can't wait until you get married. If you will go to this much work to be a bridesmaid, I can't wait to see you as a bride. This was totally LMAO hilarious.

Donna a.k.a. Victoria Secret Model said...

This post is amazing Angtron.
A-MA-Zing.

However, I'm sure it would be a lot better with the photos.

I also appreciate that you've added the clip from Seinfeld of Elaine dancing as I have never seen it before. And before you start going rank on me with the "What? you've never seen it? How could you never see it?" just remember that when Seinfeld was on tv I was much too busy and important to be sitting down to a half hour program each night.
Now, I am watching reruns but have yet to see this part that everyone so often refers to. Now, I can stop watching. You have eased my pain.

I love your use of examples in this blog. NICE reality check. Although there is NO way that I would pour a drink and miss my glass. no way. There is always a LOT of accuracy that goes on in that process. If I would be spilling it would be when my glass tries to hit my mouth.
OR when I'm holding my glass and dancing. accidents happen

I quite enjoy this wedding pic at the end. Its the only one that has shown up. And your diagonal leap across the shot. NICE work.

"Here she comes to save the daaay!"

You are my hero.
When I grow up I want to be just like you.

Christine said...

Yes, Angela sure knows how to throw a smashing wedding shower. She also knows how to plan a wonderful stagette. She avoids inviting the old ladies. Ask Susan and Margarette! The afore mentioned aunties and also the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE had to attend incognito!!! I will post the evidence of our pathetic attempt to attend said stagette if I have permission of both aunts. This has to be unanimous.Whoever plans this event please don't be afraid to invite the old ladies...be afraid not to!!!

Donna said...

I agree.
Old ladies are usually the life of the party!
Let me know if you post the evidence.

footsack said...

Yes Chris post the pictures!!! I've heard all about them and seen a couple of them and they are so good. I'm sure everyone can appreciate them.

Carol said...

Ang, thanks for re-posting. I told Uncle Art all about the fabulous job you did, only to go and show him and the pictures were gone. :)

Glad I can show him it, I totally love it.

Sue said...

Chris you have my OK on the pics.

I'll take power of attorney over Margarette's vote and say "YES PLEASE, I NEVER LOOKED SEXIER" for her.

donna said...

This is SO much better with the photos! ha ha HA!

shrinky dinks? oh man.. I haven't seen that whole concept in a long time!

and I love the jumping bloppers. ha ha. You may become my desktop photo. hmmm.. let me work on that.

Margaret said...

Chris, you have my permission to post those pictures. And as my "attorney" says, I never looked sexier.